HAVE A LOVELY WEIRD CHRISTMAS!

"BLUE" JIMMY:  HOLIDAY HISTORIAN

BLIND DOG OZZY:  NEUROTIC CHIHUAHUA

"BLUE" JIMMY:  Christmas by some Christians, is thought to be the birthday of Jesus Christ and is a time for blessed and sacred ceremonies.  Others say it is a pagan holiday with ancient and sinister origins to be avoided by traditional church-going folks.  Others think it is a time to score some loot and get ripped with some holiday "refreshments."

BLIND DOG OZZY:  Nice!

"BLUE" JIMMY:  We were pleasantly surprised in our research to find out that there were so many unique, strange and just plain weird Christmas traditions in the world that you could fill a whole book.  We picked a random list of 10 and just went with it.  We never knew Christmas was so cool! ...

1. THE CHRISTMAS PICKLE:  In America, The Christmas Pickle is supposedly, a German Christmas tradition in which a glass pickle ornament is hidden in the Christmas tree on Christmas Eve and on Christmas morning, the first child to find it is given a special gift.  The problem is, German people don't even practice this tradition and no one is sure how it originated ... leave it to Americans to make s**t up and then blame it on Germans.
   
2. THE YULE LOG TV PROGRAM:  Tune into a certain TV station on Christmas Eve/Day and you will see a continuous video of a log in a fireplace with no commercial interruptions for hours on end accompanied by Christmas music.  It was originally broadcast by New York TV station WPIX in 1966 and was supposedly intended for people who lived in homes without a fireplace but still wanted an old-timey Christmas with a crackling yule log.  Through syndication and various imitators, the broadcast exists to this day.  The eerie, hypnotic quality of the burning log and the fact that people have been known to stare at it for hours, have caused some to speculate that there are Satanic, subliminal messages hidden in the broadcast.  But ah, that's a topic for another article ...
   
3. ZWARTE PIET:  Most Western countries have some sort of Santa Claus/Saint Nicholas  tradition.  But in the Netherlands, Belgium, Luxembourg and surrounding areas, Saint Nick has a black servant who in modern times is often portrayed by a white person in blackface, curly wig, red lipstick, gold earrings and colorful Renaissance attire who is known as Zwarte Piet or Black Pete.  The character first appeared in an 1850 book by  Dutch teacher and author Jan Schenkman entitled "Sint Nicolaas En Zijn Knecht" (Saint Nicholas And His Servant).  Some people see him as a harmless clown who hands out sweets to kids at Christmastime but others are not comfortable with the idea of a white man having a black slave who is basically the Dutch equivalent of  an American blackface minstrel.  Others have done deep research and found that as far back as the 17th century, wealthy Europeans would dress up black children in clothing like Black Peter's and give them away as gifts.  Oh, my!  No wonder some have taken to the streets in the Netherlands to protest the continued appearance of Zwarte Piet.
   
   
   
4. BEFANA:  Befana is the Italian "Christmas witch."  You heard me right.  She flies around on a broom and gives gifts to good children and a lump of coal or something less pleasant to bad children.  Yes, it sounds familiar but she is a much older tradition than Santa Claus, probably originating in ancient Rome and she is usually portrayed as a much more humble character, dressed in witchy garments and having no animals to take her to every home.  And oh yeah, instead of leaving her milk and cookies you leave her some wine.  Who wouldn't want a wine-soaked old witch delivering presents and scaring the hell out of bad kids who don't want to go to bed?
   
5. KRAMPUS:  Thanks to the recent popular film of the same name, people in America have become acquainted with Krampus.  But he's not just a movie monster, he's the real deal.  He is often depicted as a chained demon assistant to Santa Claus who has one cloven hoof and one human foot who often carries a bundle of sticks with which to flog bad children before he drags them down to Hell.  Amazingly, in some European countries he still appears in Christmas decorations, cards and Winter festivals.  See my blog, "Krampus:  Christmas Punisher Of Naughty Children" for the whole history of this darkly humorous demon.  Some kids may get a lump of coal in their stockings but the really bad ones get a visit from Krampus!
   
   
   
6. FINNISH/ESTONIAN CHRISTMAS EVE SAUNA:  People all over the world have different Christmas Eve traditions usually involving eating, drinking, singing or whatever.  In Finland and Estonia people party on Christmas Eve by going to the sauna (steam room) which almost every home has.  The health benefits of taking a steam bath has been known in this part of this world for centuries but is especially important on Christmas Eve because it is said to cleanse the body and calm the mind before celebrating Christmas.  Nothing like getting naked and sweating with your relatives to ease holiday tension ... I guess.
   
7. THE CAGANER:  You're gonna think I made this one up but I swear, I didn't.  The Caganer is a figurine found in traditional nativity scenes in Catalonia and parts of Spain, Portugal, France and Italy.  It's basically, a little statue of a man with his pants down, bare butt showing and taking a dump.  It has been a part of the nativity scene for hundreds of years in this part of the world and it is sometimes hidden so children can find it.  I have read articles by anthropologists, historians and folklorists but nobody can seem to agree on the origin or meaning of this little man.  But there he is, right in there with the three wisemen, Joseph, Mary and sonny Jesus leaving his pile of poop ... I s**t you not!
   
   
   
   
8. OPENING GIFTS ON CHRISTMAS EVE:  This is a Christmas tradition that doesn't seem to be particular to any one country or region.  Some people do it and others don't.  Personally, I feel that people who open their gifts on Christmas Eve are the same people who rent a movie and then fast forward it so they can just watch the end.  Gotta get that ADD under control.
   
9. THE YULETIDE DRINK-A-THON:  Ever notice how some holidays are considered party holidays and others not?  Easter and Thanksgiving not so much but Christmas and New Year's ... anything goes!  Maybe people like to drink at Christmas because it's a joyful holiday and it's as good a time as any to let loose or perhaps like Clark Griswold, we need a few stiff drinks to deal with visiting relatives.  Whatever the case may be, the image of a Dad sitting on the couch hungover as hell in his bathrobe on Christmas morning with his clockweights hanging out as he assembles a kid's bicycle has become an American Icon.
   

10. THE FRUITCAKE:  I saved the best tradition for last.  The fruitcake is truly the gift that keeps on giving the whole year.  Made of candied fruit, spices, nuts, seeds and a cake mix as dense as a brick, it is often soaked in an alcoholic beverage and if you don't open it, will last beyond Armageddon.  No one actually eats one but it has a multitude of uses:  colorful decoration; door stop; dog toy and last minute gift when someone gives you an unexpected present and you need to respond quick.  As a joke, a friend and I started giving a fruitcake back and forth every year for several years with a profanity-laced note attached, each year trying to outdo each other in raunchiness.  Then one year my mom found the fruitcake and the nasty note on the front porch and thought one of our neighbors had committed a hate crime and was crying all Christmas morning.  She threw the fruitcake away and that was the end of our heartwarming holiday tradition.  Oh well, that was nearly 30 years ago and I bet someone picked the trash and is still using that fruitcake today for ... something.

"BLIND" DOG OZZY:  And we will leave you with the chorus of the immortal Red Peters Christmas classic, "You Ain't Getting S**t For Christmas" ... "You ain't getting s**t for Christmas, you can shove that fruitcake up your a**.  Well you ain't getting s**t, no you ain't getting d**k ... you ain't getting s**t for Christmas!"  Have a Merry weird Christmas everybody!!!

"BLUE" JIMMY:  Sake's Alive!

BLIND DOG OZZY:  Wow!  Wow!

bluejames61@hotmail.com

THE SCARIEST HALLOWEEN EVER: WAR OF THE WORLDS AS AN EXERCISE IN MASS HYSTERIA

"BLUE" JIMMY:  OCCULT RESEARCHER

BLIND DOG OZZY:  NEUROTIC CHIHUAHUA

"BLUE" JIMMY:  "No one would have believed in the last years of the nineteenth century that this world was being watched keenly and closely by intelligences greater than man's and yet as mortal as his own ... "  Thus begins the first chapter of H.G. Wells' proto-science fiction classic "War Of The Worlds" which was first serialized in magazine form in 1897 and then published in book form in 1898.  One of the first novels to detail an invasion of the Earth by those that were other than human, it set the tone for early science fiction before the terms alien, extraterrestrial, flying saucer or UFO were ever used.  H.G Wells was was a man and writer far ahead of his time in many respects and whole books have been written on his extraordinary life apart from his written works.  However, this article will focus on the  Halloween Eve 1938 radio drama broadcast over the CBS radio network which shall we say ... caused a few chills.  

BLIND DOG OZZY:  That's what people want on Halloween!

"BLUE" JIMMY:  The broadcast was directed and narrated by writer, actor,  director, producer Orson Welles and was part of a radio show known as The Mercury Theater On The
Air which people of my parent's generation would tell you was a radio show among many which would have adults and children gathered 'round the radio for entertainment in the days before television, internet or ... 

BLIND DOG OZZY ... Inter-anything!

"BLUE" JIMMY:  On that night in the interim period between the worst part of The Great Depression and the start of World War II, Orson Welles and a cast of about a dozen radio actors and a studio orchestra reenacted a piece of 19th century literature with no advertisements and only a few breaks which convinced a good chunk of the United States that an actual Martian invasion had taken place.

BLIND DOG OZZY:  It could happen!  

"BLUE" JIMMY:  Although accounts of the incident have become mythologized  and exaggerated, there was genuine panic.  People took to the streets, contacted their local authorities and flooded the CBS studio with calls.  Police invaded the New York CBS studio and tried to shut down operations.  There were a few breaks to announce that it was a fictional drama but many people who just tuned in missed the joke and the "this just in" news bulletin format of the show which interrupted normal programming fooled a lot of folks who were having Sunday dinner.

BLIND DOG OZZY:  Roast beef and a Martian ray gun up yer a**!

"BLUE" JIMMY:  The lowdown is, you can forgive ordinary stiffs for not recognizing the plot of a novel written in the 1800's being played out in a Halloween radio drama but there are other factors to consider.  On the verge of World War II, people wanted to believe that an invasion by somebody was imminent.  But you also have to consider that neither producer John Houseman or director/narrator Orson Welles intended to deceive the public.  Newspapers, including the New York Times, had announced the the drama beforehand and there were the aforementioned breaks during the actual broadcast telling the listeners what they were tuned into.

BLIND DOG OZZY:  People just wanted to believe!

"BLUE" JIMMY:  Could mass hysteria like this happen in our current Information Age?  Yes.  The "War Of The Worlds" broadcast was a fluke.  Imagine if someone somewhere made a focused effort to deceive the public using fake news, hacking, the Internet, social media and computer-generated phenomena in the sky or elsewhere? If anything, our ADD society is more vulnerable to this type of deception than that Halloween Eve in 1938.  Think about it ...

BLIND DOG OZZY: ... THEY could make you think you were Dorothy in the Land Of Oz!  Hope you had a Happy Halloween!!!

"BLUE" JIMMY:  Sake's Alive!

BLIND DOG OZZY:  Wow!  Wow!
bluejames61@hotmail.com

THE SUBCONSCIOUS MIND: YOUR HIDDEN GENIUS?

"BLUE" JIMMY:  MIND EXPLORER

BLIND DOG OZZY:  NEUROTIC CHIHUAHUA

"BLUE" JIMMY:  The subconscious mind has been the subject of literally thousands of articles, books, seminars, self-improvement programs and occult belief systems for more than a century.  The term subconscious mind was first used by psychoanalyst Sigmund Freud in the late 1800's to describe thinking that takes place outside conscious awareness.  At the time, he probably did not envision the near superhuman powers that are attributed to the subconscious mind.  The subconscious mind is said to be like a sponge that absorbs everything you see, hear, smell, taste and feel without prejudice and stores it permanently.  Imagine you could access every book you've ever read, every speech you've ever heard, every seminar you've ever attended, every movie you have seen, every concert, dance performance, poetry reading, sensual experience, word for word, image for image in precise detail.

BLIND DOG OZZY:  I'd be f**king badass!!!

"BLUE" JIMMY:  Now we are presented with the dichotomy that has split many a scholarly friendship.  Hard physical scientists do not recognize the power of the subconscious mind and maintain that what we have in our heads when we wake up in the morning is all there is.  Either you were born with extraordinary intelligence or you labored long and hard in school and acquired large amounts of book learning and there is nothing more to access.

BLIND DOG OZZY:  How incredibly ordinary!

"BLUE" JIMMY:  Since scientists have nothing to add to this argument besides the old chestnut that "there is no scientific proof," BDO and I will explore the possibility that the subconscious mind might have powers that are "outside conscious awareness" as Freud alluded to in his writings.

BLIND DOG OZZY:  Let's get ready to rumble!!!

"BLUE" JIMMY:  According to occult theory, the subconscious mind is a storehouse of incredible accumulated wisdom over one's lifetime or lifetimes.  The problem for most people is that there is no direct link between your subconscious mind and your ordinary waking mind as described by practitioners of the occult.  Your subconscious mind is thought to be very childlike.  It responds to bright colors, music, pleasing sounds, rhythmic movement, sweet aromas, interesting tastes and fascinating textures.  When you stimulate your subconscious mind and appeal to one of its senses, it may reveal to you things that were heretofore, inaccessible.  Thus, every world religion since earliest times, has used music, chanting, dance, incense, candles, stained-glass, mandalas, statues, deep breathing, postures, hand gestures, wine, weed, mushrooms and all sorts of  psychotropic plants to access the divine within us (subconscious mind).

BLIND DOG OZZY:  Or not.

"BLUE" JIMMY:  Yes, keep in mind that the scientific community adheres to the fact that there is no such thing as this Supermind.  Yet for years, I have followed the careers of mentalists such as Kreskin, Marc Salem, Derren Brown and others who claim absolutely no supernatural powers or psychic ability whatsoever.  But they perform incredible mental feats such as memorization of  huge amounts of information, hypnosis, kinesics (the ability to read people's body language), suggestion, neuro-linguistic programming, stage clairvoyance and prediction (not real but convincing to many) ideomotor phenomenons ( such as using a pendulum or dowsing rod to find hidden objects ) and various methods of mind control both on themselves and others.

 What are these people tapping into to perform seemingly miraculous maneuvers?  You can be certain that people all throughout history have used these tricks to convince the faithful that they were indeed, in touch with forces not of this world. Tarot cards, the I Ching,  the Ouija board, ESP and other methods of divination are thought by experts to make use of the subconscious mind.  If not a powerful subconscious mind then ... angels?  Demons?  Communication with the dead?  Sinister Forces?  God?

BLIND DOG OZZY:  If you dismiss the power of the subconscious mind, then you open up a whole 'nother can of paranormal worms! 

"BLUE" JIMMY:  We will continue to explore the powers of the  subconscious mind as an inherent power of your normal human brain and perhaps the concept of the mind being a separate entity outside of your brain (cranial cavity).  The idea of your mind being in touch with supernatural forces or entities is a subject for future writings and will not be excluded as long as we have exhausted all rational scientific possibilities.  People with extraordinary mind powers have made fools of religious zealots and New Age fairy-worshipers for centuries.  If you feel you have a true story of  paranormal ability that defies explanation, contact us ...

BLIND DOG OZZY:  ... We believe all things are possible!

"BLUE" JIMMY:  Sake's Alive!

BLIND DOG OZZY:  Wow!  Wow!
bluejames61@hotmail.com

BUNNIES, HIDDEN EGGS AND THE UNDEAD: THE PAGAN ORIGINS OF EASTER

"BLUE" JIMMY:  ANCIENT HISTORIAN

TRADITIONAL DEPICTION OF OSTARA

BLIND DOG OZZY:  NEUROTIC CHIHUAHUA

"BLUE" JIMMY:  As a kid, I remember Easter Sunday as the one Sunday of the year where you really had to go to church or you were going to Hell!

BLIND DOG OZZY:  Do not pass Go, do not collect $200!

"BLUE" JIMMY:  It was also the one church day where you really had to get dressed up because ... I don't know ... God might take offense to it?  All I remember is that I had to take a shower and my Mom would check that I used soap ... 

BLIND DOG OZZY:  And your Dad would put Tres Flores in your hair! 

"BLUE" JIMMY:  Then, in a Catholic household, you are required to go through that period of 40 days of prayer, fasting and abstinence known as Lent where you have to give something up to prove you are faithful.  And you are not allowed to eat meat on Fridays because ... well, I'm still not sure ...

BLIND DOG OZZY:  ... It's still under investigation!

"BLUE" JIMMY:  All I could dig up was that early Christians, when converting to Christianity, took their business seriously and were obligated to go through a 40 day purification process.  You'll also note that the number 40 reoccurs constantly throughout the bible:  Noah and his family had to stay aboard the ark for 40 days and nights; Moses went up on Mount Sinai for 40 days and nights; Jesus went out into the wilderness for 40 days and nights ... 

BLIND DOG OZZY:  ...The significance behind the number 40 is a whole 'nother article!

"BLUE" JIMMY:  But on to Easter!  Apparently, the name Easter is derived from the name of the Germanic goddess Ostara (sometimes Eostre) who is associated with Spring, fertility and rebirth.  She has many equivalents in various cultures around the world such as:

• Brigid (Celtic)
• Persephone (Greek)
• Idunn (Norse)
• Flora (Roman)
• Sita (Hindu) 

and many others.  Ostara is often depicted with rabbits, ducklings, chicks (all symbols of  fertility and Spring) and eggs.  

Eggs are naturally, a symbol of birth and it's easy to understand why they are included in Easter celebrations.  But as to why they are colored brings forth differing theories.  Ostara is usually pictured holding a scarlet-colored egg which some say represents the blood of the Savior.  Others say it represents the rays of the sun ... whatever.  The point is that eggs play a large role in Easter celebrations in the Western World. Why?  The best information I could dig up is that in the early days of the Catholic Church, eggs like meat, were forbidden to eat during Lent.  People ate up all the eggs they could before Lent began.  When Lent was in full swing,  chickens didn't stop laying eggs so they were usually hard boiled and stored until they could be eaten again.  So maybe when Lent was over, people made a mad dash to find the stored eggs ... "Where's the eggs!!!"  This brings to mind the hilarious stand-up routine by comedian John Stewart (on Easter celebrations) "... how did hide the eggs get in there?  Did Jesus have some sort of a problem with eggs?  (Jesus speaking) 'Hey by the way, when I come back, if I see any f**king eggs!' ..."  

BLIND DOG OZZY:  HA, HAAAAA!!!

"BLUE" JIMMY:  But now we get to the rising from the dead part ...

BLIND DOG OZZY:  ... Dun, Dun, Dun!!!

"BLUE" JIMMY:  Here is a partial list of  deities besides Jesus who were said to have risen from the dead:  Virishna; Attis; Tammuz; Osiris; Dionysus; Krishna; Mithra;
Heracles; Adonis; Quetzalcoatl ... the list just goes on.  Apparently, Jesus is in good company up there!  That's why Easter has always had sinister undertones for me -- a man is tortured to death on  a cross and then three days later, he crawls out of his tomb and scares the hell out of his followers!

BLIND DOG OZZY:  I promise I'll never sin again!!!

"BLUE" JIMMY:  That bit of ugliness aside, the beginning of the Spring season has always been celebrated at this time in the Western World long before Christianity and bunnies, baby chicks, ducklings, blossoming flowers and rising saviors have always been a part of it.  I can imagine the relief of ancient people when the days began to grow longer, the ice melted, the earth warmed and the sun (son) reappeared in all its (his) glory ... yes, I would be inspired to believe in a Higher Power too!

BLIND DOG OZZY:  Amen!

"BLUE" JIMMY:  Sake's Alive!

BLIND DOG OZZY:  Wow!  Wow!
bluejames61@hotmail.com

AND YOU THOUGHT IT WAS JUST ANOTHER DAY: HAPPY GROUNDHOG DAY!

"BLUE" JIMMY:  PAGAN HOLIDAY HISTORIAN

BLIND DOG OZZY: NEUROTIC CHIHUAHUA

"BLUE" JIMMY:  What the Hell, folks?!!!  I hope you had a Happy Groundhog Day!  Yesterday,  Punxsutawney Phil the groundhog predicted six more weeks of Winter.  Televised all across the country from Punxsutawney Pennsylvania, some folks had no idea what was going on in this tradition which has been celebrated since 1887 in this country.  What it is?  Well, unless you come from the Northeastern United States and have family with Bible names like Hezekiah, Ezekiel, Adriel and Bethany, you probably don't celebrate Groundhog Day.

BLIND DOG OZZY:  WTF?!!!

"BLUE" JIMMY:  The basic Groundhog Day tradition in the United States is that if the groundhog comes out of the ground and sees cloudy weather, Spring will arrive early.  If he he sees his shadow, Winter will last about another month ...

BLIND DOG OZZY:  ... I'd rather see a big boob "weather person" for that information!

"BLUE" JIMMY:  In the days of the early Catholic Church, pagan traditions in the Western World were usurped by The Church and the day around the 1st or 2nd of February was renamed Candlemas.

BLIND DOG OZZY:  I have their first album, it rips!!!

"BLUE" JIMMY:  Not to be confused with the Doom Metal band of the same name, Candlemas is the day when many Christians removed their Christmas decorations and began to celebrate the end of Winter.


BLIND DOG OZZY:  Yeah, our lazy asses don't take that s**t down 'til next Halloween!

"BLUE" JIMMY:  Many Christians, especially Roman Catholics, bring their candles to the local church to have them blessed on this day.  But this day has even deeper origins. Originally, this day was consecrated to the Celtic goddess, Brigid.  Among other Spring traditions attributed to her, she was known to change water into beer ... 

BLIND DOG OZZY:  Excellent!!!

"BLUE" JIMMY: Centuries ago, this holiday was known as Imbolc, which celebrates the beginning of Spring and gives reverence to the Spring Goddess who in modern times, is symbolized by the groundhog who lives in the earth and emerges at this time of year.

BLIND DOG OZZY: Welcome home, mami!!!

"BLUE" JIMMY:  Practices at this time of year include making a bed for the goddess Brigid, leaving her food and drink and putting clothes out for her to bless. 

BLIND DOG OZZY:  Yeah, that's just ... creepy.

"BLUE" JIMMY:  Christian conspiracy theorists claim that this day is one of  the days in the Satanic Calendar when Satanic rituals are performed and animal and human sacrifices are carried out.  Historical evidence points out that this may indeed, be true for many Pagan cultures saw no shame in offering sacrifices to the Earth forces which had given so much abundance in the past year.  Again, we see that many American holidays and traditions have ancient, pagan origins which we will continue to explore ...

BLIND DOG OZZY:  Some weird s**t!!!

"BLUE" JIMMY:  Sake's Alive!

BLIND DOG OZZY:  Wow!  Wow!
bluejames61@hotmail.com