HAVE A LOVELY WEIRD CHRISTMAS!

"BLUE" JIMMY:  HOLIDAY HISTORIAN

BLIND DOG OZZY:  NEUROTIC CHIHUAHUA

"BLUE" JIMMY:  Christmas by some Christians, is thought to be the birthday of Jesus Christ and is a time for blessed and sacred ceremonies.  Others say it is a pagan holiday with ancient and sinister origins to be avoided by traditional church-going folks.  Others think it is a time to score some loot and get ripped with some holiday "refreshments."

BLIND DOG OZZY:  Nice!

"BLUE" JIMMY:  We were pleasantly surprised in our research to find out that there were so many unique, strange and just plain weird Christmas traditions in the world that you could fill a whole book.  We picked a random list of 10 and just went with it.  We never knew Christmas was so cool! ...

1. THE CHRISTMAS PICKLE:  In America, The Christmas Pickle is supposedly, a German Christmas tradition in which a glass pickle ornament is hidden in the Christmas tree on Christmas Eve and on Christmas morning, the first child to find it is given a special gift.  The problem is, German people don't even practice this tradition and no one is sure how it originated ... leave it to Americans to make s**t up and then blame it on Germans.
   
2. THE YULE LOG TV PROGRAM:  Tune into a certain TV station on Christmas Eve/Day and you will see a continuous video of a log in a fireplace with no commercial interruptions for hours on end accompanied by Christmas music.  It was originally broadcast by New York TV station WPIX in 1966 and was supposedly intended for people who lived in homes without a fireplace but still wanted an old-timey Christmas with a crackling yule log.  Through syndication and various imitators, the broadcast exists to this day.  The eerie, hypnotic quality of the burning log and the fact that people have been known to stare at it for hours, have caused some to speculate that there are Satanic, subliminal messages hidden in the broadcast.  But ah, that's a topic for another article ...
   
3. ZWARTE PIET:  Most Western countries have some sort of Santa Claus/Saint Nicholas  tradition.  But in the Netherlands, Belgium, Luxembourg and surrounding areas, Saint Nick has a black servant who in modern times is often portrayed by a white person in blackface, curly wig, red lipstick, gold earrings and colorful Renaissance attire who is known as Zwarte Piet or Black Pete.  The character first appeared in an 1850 book by  Dutch teacher and author Jan Schenkman entitled "Sint Nicolaas En Zijn Knecht" (Saint Nicholas And His Servant).  Some people see him as a harmless clown who hands out sweets to kids at Christmastime but others are not comfortable with the idea of a white man having a black slave who is basically the Dutch equivalent of  an American blackface minstrel.  Others have done deep research and found that as far back as the 17th century, wealthy Europeans would dress up black children in clothing like Black Peter's and give them away as gifts.  Oh, my!  No wonder some have taken to the streets in the Netherlands to protest the continued appearance of Zwarte Piet.
   
   
   
4. BEFANA:  Befana is the Italian "Christmas witch."  You heard me right.  She flies around on a broom and gives gifts to good children and a lump of coal or something less pleasant to bad children.  Yes, it sounds familiar but she is a much older tradition than Santa Claus, probably originating in ancient Rome and she is usually portrayed as a much more humble character, dressed in witchy garments and having no animals to take her to every home.  And oh yeah, instead of leaving her milk and cookies you leave her some wine.  Who wouldn't want a wine-soaked old witch delivering presents and scaring the hell out of bad kids who don't want to go to bed?
   
5. KRAMPUS:  Thanks to the recent popular film of the same name, people in America have become acquainted with Krampus.  But he's not just a movie monster, he's the real deal.  He is often depicted as a chained demon assistant to Santa Claus who has one cloven hoof and one human foot who often carries a bundle of sticks with which to flog bad children before he drags them down to Hell.  Amazingly, in some European countries he still appears in Christmas decorations, cards and Winter festivals.  See my blog, "Krampus:  Christmas Punisher Of Naughty Children" for the whole history of this darkly humorous demon.  Some kids may get a lump of coal in their stockings but the really bad ones get a visit from Krampus!
   
   
   
6. FINNISH/ESTONIAN CHRISTMAS EVE SAUNA:  People all over the world have different Christmas Eve traditions usually involving eating, drinking, singing or whatever.  In Finland and Estonia people party on Christmas Eve by going to the sauna (steam room) which almost every home has.  The health benefits of taking a steam bath has been known in this part of this world for centuries but is especially important on Christmas Eve because it is said to cleanse the body and calm the mind before celebrating Christmas.  Nothing like getting naked and sweating with your relatives to ease holiday tension ... I guess.
   
7. THE CAGANER:  You're gonna think I made this one up but I swear, I didn't.  The Caganer is a figurine found in traditional nativity scenes in Catalonia and parts of Spain, Portugal, France and Italy.  It's basically, a little statue of a man with his pants down, bare butt showing and taking a dump.  It has been a part of the nativity scene for hundreds of years in this part of the world and it is sometimes hidden so children can find it.  I have read articles by anthropologists, historians and folklorists but nobody can seem to agree on the origin or meaning of this little man.  But there he is, right in there with the three wisemen, Joseph, Mary and sonny Jesus leaving his pile of poop ... I s**t you not!
   
   
   
   
8. OPENING GIFTS ON CHRISTMAS EVE:  This is a Christmas tradition that doesn't seem to be particular to any one country or region.  Some people do it and others don't.  Personally, I feel that people who open their gifts on Christmas Eve are the same people who rent a movie and then fast forward it so they can just watch the end.  Gotta get that ADD under control.
   
9. THE YULETIDE DRINK-A-THON:  Ever notice how some holidays are considered party holidays and others not?  Easter and Thanksgiving not so much but Christmas and New Year's ... anything goes!  Maybe people like to drink at Christmas because it's a joyful holiday and it's as good a time as any to let loose or perhaps like Clark Griswold, we need a few stiff drinks to deal with visiting relatives.  Whatever the case may be, the image of a Dad sitting on the couch hungover as hell in his bathrobe on Christmas morning with his clockweights hanging out as he assembles a kid's bicycle has become an American Icon.
   

10. THE FRUITCAKE:  I saved the best tradition for last.  The fruitcake is truly the gift that keeps on giving the whole year.  Made of candied fruit, spices, nuts, seeds and a cake mix as dense as a brick, it is often soaked in an alcoholic beverage and if you don't open it, will last beyond Armageddon.  No one actually eats one but it has a multitude of uses:  colorful decoration; door stop; dog toy and last minute gift when someone gives you an unexpected present and you need to respond quick.  As a joke, a friend and I started giving a fruitcake back and forth every year for several years with a profanity-laced note attached, each year trying to outdo each other in raunchiness.  Then one year my mom found the fruitcake and the nasty note on the front porch and thought one of our neighbors had committed a hate crime and was crying all Christmas morning.  She threw the fruitcake away and that was the end of our heartwarming holiday tradition.  Oh well, that was nearly 30 years ago and I bet someone picked the trash and is still using that fruitcake today for ... something.

"BLIND" DOG OZZY:  And we will leave you with the chorus of the immortal Red Peters Christmas classic, "You Ain't Getting S**t For Christmas" ... "You ain't getting s**t for Christmas, you can shove that fruitcake up your a**.  Well you ain't getting s**t, no you ain't getting d**k ... you ain't getting s**t for Christmas!"  Have a Merry weird Christmas everybody!!!

"BLUE" JIMMY:  Sake's Alive!

BLIND DOG OZZY:  Wow!  Wow!

bluejames61@hotmail.com