SAINT PATRICK: PATRON SAINT OF PARTYING

"BLUE" JIMMY:  RENOWNED HOOLIGAN

BLIND DOG OZZY:  NEUROTIC CHIHUAHUA

"BLUE" JIMMY:  Ok, so the earliest memories I have of St. Patrick's day are being in elementary school and the tradition was that you had to wear green on this day or you would get pinched.  If you didn't have anything green to wear, the teacher would give you a four-leaf clover made out of green construction paper to pin on your shirt so you wouldn't get pinched.  I would purposely not wear green and throw away the green paper clover so all the cute girls would pinch me.  That was pretty much the only way I could get girls to touch me back then.

BLIND DOG OZZY:  That's just kinda ... pathetic.

"BLUE" JIMMY:  But as I have written before, many overlooked holidays where you don't get the day off school or work are still rich in historical traditions that have either been twisted or completely forgotten.

BLIND DOG OZZY:  This is what we do.

"BLUE" JIMMY:  Very briefly so you can get back to your green beer, Saint Patrick did most of his damage in the fifth century (400's A.D.).  According to most historical accounts, he was kidnapped as a teenager in Roman Britain by Irish pirates and held captive for six years in which he was enslaved as a shepherd.  History has it that he must have witnessed some bad s**t among the Irish at the time because after escaping and returning home, he converted to Christianity and returned to Ireland to convert many to the Christian religion.

  Although there were other missionaries who came before and after him, he is most remembered in myth as the saint* who brought Christianity to Ireland.  (*One bit of historical trivia: Saint Patrick was never actually canonized as a saint by the Catholic Church but many early saints were not officially declared saints but just revered as such).

BLIND DOG OZZY:  Now comes the conspiracy ... dun, dun, dun! ...

"BLUE" JIMMY:  One of the longest standing traditions on Saint Patrick's Day is that he is the one who drove all the snakes out of Ireland. 

Anyone who has studied ancient history could tell you that Ireland has been a snake-free zone since the last Ice Age.  The best theory anyone can come up with is that the snakes represent the serpent-worshipping pagan Druids who inhabited Ireland at the time.  This has been disputed by some scholars but if you have read the conspiracy theories of writers such as David Icke, serpent-worshipping cults have existed all throughout history due to the fact that the Earth was first colonized by reptilian beings whose likenesses appear in ancient art everywhere in the world.

BLIND DOG OZZY:  Even in countries where there are no snakes ... tell me that's not a National Geographic special!

"BLUE" JIMMY:  But the longest running tradition on Saint Patrick's Day seems to be the head-bashing drink-a-thon which seems to occur even in cities that are not mainly Irish.  Some have said that the real Saint Patrick actually liked more than the occasional tipple when relaxing between battles with heathen scum.  There is no way to historically verify this but it's more likely that the Catholic Church traditionally allows prohibitions against certain foods and strong drink during Lent to "loosen" on Saint Patrick's holy day.

BLIND DOG OZZY:  Good enough for me!

"BLUE" JIMMY:  But I believe in the power and holiness of Saint Patrick.  One Saint Patty's night I celebrated enthusiastically and the next morning I went to the restroom and peed bright green.  Like many saints who have performed miracles to convince unbelievers, I believe it was a sign from above that Saint Patrick is real.

BLIND DOG OZZY:  Dude!  The green dye in St. Patty's beer makes your pee turn green!

"BLUE" JIMMY:  Sake's Alive!

BLIND DOG OZZY:  Wow!  Wow!

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